X-Message-Number: 20755 Date: Tue, 31 Dec 2002 03:11:33 -0800 Subject: Dealing From: Peter Merel <> Hi Rudi, 2002 has been a horrid year for my wife and I. In July we discovered Lori needed a radical hysterectomy. Simultaneously the startup I'd been pouring myself into for the last 3 years started to fail to make payroll - and in October it collapsed suddenly owing us 3 months pay - we haven't seen a paycheck since June, with the job market as dry as dust. Well, you might think, that's a disaster. And we thought that. But we're pretty much back on the rails now. Lori recovered fine, no complications, no chemo necessary, no pain, no further problems - she even got to keep her ovaries. I'm building a new business for myself (http://www.caldev.com). We've refinanced the house to keep cash flowing, and we're secure now for at least another 6 months. But for several weeks, we were really in a flat spin. We didn't cope at all. When these two terrors occurred - honestly they both showed up on the same day - I was knocked on my ass. I spent weeks considering selling the house, going back to Australia, moving up into the hills, making radical changes in lifestyle. I was angry, panicked, depressed, paranoid, sleepless ... you name it. And then I started thinking about why I was feeling the way I was feeling. And I realized it was fear. Fear working to avoid thinking about what might happen. Because this work reminds you that there is something you don't want to think about, it's self-sustaining. Fear keeps your mind working, but chains it in place like a treadmill. And while you're on fear's treadmill, you're not thinking constructively. Sometimes the time you take on that treadmill is the time you really needed to avoid the events that scared you. Because you are in fear, you wind up exactly where you don't want to be. And it is really hard to recognize that this is your fear and not your fate. You might deal easily with everyday fears - fears about missed deadlines, new bills, or spiders under the bed - but the big ticket items - fears about poverty, loss, change, and disability - those seem so terrible you really can't think of them as fears. I've learned this year that you have to train yourself to notice even these as fears, and train yourself to respond rationally to them. Otherwise they control you when you can least afford it. You must realize fear is something we're all vulnerable to. Continually. It makes us lose control, act thoughtlessly, lose access to those joys that are still available to us. How do you respond rationally to fear? Frank Herbert said: Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. You must accept what is happening, and what might happen. You must completely understand the worst cases. You must accept that it could all happen. Understand what you would do then. Think it all through. Let knowing it become a part of you. And that knowledge destroys the fear. Your worldview changes. Then and only then can you think clearly about what you must do to maximize your chances of obtaining a better outcome than the worst case. You make your plans, you execute them, and you see what happens - that's all you could ever do anyway. You know these plans still don't guarantee anything better than the worst case. But you feel yourself again. You feel okay again. And you're ready to deal with whatever actually transpires. Anyway, that's what works for me. I hope it helps you. Peter Merel. Rate This Message: http://www.cryonet.org/cgi-bin/rate.cgi?msg=20755