X-Message-Number: 20755
Date: Tue, 31 Dec 2002 03:11:33 -0800
Subject: Dealing
From: Peter Merel <>

Hi Rudi,

2002 has been a horrid year for my wife and I. In July we discovered 
Lori needed a radical hysterectomy. Simultaneously the startup I'd been 
pouring myself into for the last 3 years started to fail to make 
payroll - and in October it collapsed suddenly owing us 3 months pay - 
we haven't seen a paycheck since June, with the job market as dry as 
dust.

Well, you might think, that's a disaster. And we thought that. But 
we're pretty much back on the rails now. Lori recovered fine, no 
complications, no chemo necessary, no pain, no further problems - she 
even got to keep her ovaries. I'm building a new business for myself 
(http://www.caldev.com). We've refinanced the house to keep cash 
flowing, and we're secure now for at least another 6 months.

But for several weeks, we were really in a flat spin. We didn't cope at 
all. When these two terrors occurred - honestly they both showed up on 
the same day - I was knocked on my ass. I spent weeks considering 
selling the house, going back to Australia, moving up into the hills, 
making radical changes in lifestyle. I was angry, panicked, depressed, 
paranoid, sleepless ... you name it.

And then I started thinking about why I was feeling the way I was 
feeling. And I realized it was fear. Fear working to avoid thinking 
about what might happen. Because this work reminds you that there is 
something you don't want to think about, it's self-sustaining. Fear 
keeps your mind working, but chains it in place like a treadmill. And 
while you're on fear's treadmill, you're not thinking constructively.

Sometimes the time you take on that treadmill is the time you really 
needed to avoid the events that scared you. Because you are in fear, 
you wind up exactly where you don't want to be. And it is really hard 
to recognize that this is your fear and not your fate. You might deal 
easily with everyday fears - fears about missed deadlines, new bills, 
or spiders under the bed - but the big ticket items - fears about 
poverty, loss, change, and disability - those seem so terrible you 
really can't think of them as fears.

I've learned this year that you have to train yourself to notice even 
these as fears, and train yourself to respond rationally to them. 
Otherwise they control you when you can least afford it. You must 
realize fear is something we're all vulnerable to. Continually. It 
makes us lose control, act thoughtlessly, lose access to those joys 
that are still available to us.

How do you respond rationally to fear? Frank Herbert said:

  Fear is the mind-killer.
  I will face my fear.
  I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
  Only I will remain.

You must accept what is happening, and what might happen. You must 
completely understand the worst cases. You must accept that it could 
all happen. Understand what you would do then. Think it all through. 
Let knowing it become a part of you.

And that knowledge destroys the fear. Your worldview changes. Then and 
only then can you think clearly about what you must do to maximize your 
chances of obtaining a better outcome than the worst case. You make 
your plans, you execute them, and you see what happens - that's all you 
could ever do anyway. You know these plans still don't guarantee 
anything better than the worst case. But you feel yourself again. You 
feel okay again. And you're ready to deal with whatever actually 
transpires.

Anyway, that's what works for me. I hope it helps you.

Peter Merel.

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