X-Message-Number: 5005
Date: Tue, 17 Oct 1995 1:09:40 -0500 (CDT)
From: N E U R O M A N C E R <>
Subject: NON-CRYONICS TEXT from Mac Tonnies 

Dear readers of CryoNet-->

    I promise I won't do this very often.  Here's a batch of techno-nonsense I
somehow found the time to write.  Computer users may or may not find it
humorous.



MAC'S GLOSSARY OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY

DISK-SPACE: in the back of your computer is a small plastic pouch that fills
with air whenever you turn your machine on.  Anything you type on the screen is
pumped into the plastic envelope.  If you type too much, the envelope bursts
open and oxygenates your hard drive.


HARD-DRIVE: there is a large piece of metal lodged somewhere behind the screen.
Whenever you type something, a message is sent to the nearest post office,
which transmits a secret Morse code.  This code triggers the hard-drive, which
then begins to vibrate.  The energy from these vibrations produces cumulative
stress on your disk-space, which expands memory capacity.

MEMORY: two small antennae are wedged somewhere inside your keyboard.  These
antennae constantly sift obscure bandwidths until they establish a connection
with a laundromat (a different laundromat is designated each day by the
Internet to ensure security).  There are two kinds of memory: virtual memory 
and magnetic memory.  Virtual memory refers to numbers in your hard-drive that 
aren't really there at all.  Magnetic memory refers to the spools of chromium-
oxide tape that store phone numbers.

SOFTWARE: a registered trademark of the Hanes Corporation.

RAM: an acronym for "Regulated Automatic Mediator."  This is a device, shaped
somewhat like a tuning fork, that helps allign a computer's internal
gyroscopes.

DISK-DRIVE: This is a small capsule inside the CPU that emits ultrasound.  The
resultant harmomics within the hard-drive help create a tolerable atmosphere
for the alphanumerics floating inside the memory.

CPU: An acronym for "Compact Prioritized Undulator."  The CPU, contrary to its
name, is a large device.  Although it assists the computer's higher functions,
it is a relatively simple mechanism.  They are often manufactured by
Third-World countries out of car dashboards.


MODEM: a modem is a gelatin-based protein derivitive that fuels the hard-drive.
It can be purchased via Home Shopping Network and injected directly into the
machine through its air vents.

INTERNET: an AM radio station that computers tune into every Thursday morning
at 9:00 AM, Eastern Time, to re-establish the harmonic flexibility of their
CPUs.  Humans can, of course, listen to the Internet as well, but all that can
be heard is a shrill, whining noise.

E-MAIL: a piece of mail that becomes saturated by modem fluid.  The United
States Postal Service, refusing to handle such contaminated packages, insists
that they be exposed to electric current and left to their own devices.  The
presence of an ambient electrical field causes pieces of e-mail to levitate. 
They sometimes uplink with the Internet and drift north.  For this reason, it
is believed that the Internet broadcast tower is located somewhere in Canada or
Greenland.

DOWNLOAD: the act of deleting a large number of active files by exposing them
to concentrated Internet rays.  This process can only be carried out with
official authorization, and presents severe hazards to household electrical
systems.

TELNET: large conceptual sculpture contructed in Europe and since incorporated
into a traveling exhibit.  The Telnet emits a low-frequency electromagnetic
field that polarizes all CPUs in its vicinity, resulting in intense binary
activity.

GOPHERSPACE: disease-ridden software underworld in Toronto.

SEARCH-ENGINE: a gasoline-powered hard drive that seperates numbers through the
application of centrifugal force.  These can be purchased through black-market
dealers stationed in Gopherspace.


Mac Tonnies



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