X-Message-Number: 5005 Date: Tue, 17 Oct 1995 1:09:40 -0500 (CDT) From: N E U R O M A N C E R <> Subject: NON-CRYONICS TEXT from Mac Tonnies Dear readers of CryoNet--> I promise I won't do this very often. Here's a batch of techno-nonsense I somehow found the time to write. Computer users may or may not find it humorous. MAC'S GLOSSARY OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY DISK-SPACE: in the back of your computer is a small plastic pouch that fills with air whenever you turn your machine on. Anything you type on the screen is pumped into the plastic envelope. If you type too much, the envelope bursts open and oxygenates your hard drive. HARD-DRIVE: there is a large piece of metal lodged somewhere behind the screen. Whenever you type something, a message is sent to the nearest post office, which transmits a secret Morse code. This code triggers the hard-drive, which then begins to vibrate. The energy from these vibrations produces cumulative stress on your disk-space, which expands memory capacity. MEMORY: two small antennae are wedged somewhere inside your keyboard. These antennae constantly sift obscure bandwidths until they establish a connection with a laundromat (a different laundromat is designated each day by the Internet to ensure security). There are two kinds of memory: virtual memory and magnetic memory. Virtual memory refers to numbers in your hard-drive that aren't really there at all. Magnetic memory refers to the spools of chromium- oxide tape that store phone numbers. SOFTWARE: a registered trademark of the Hanes Corporation. RAM: an acronym for "Regulated Automatic Mediator." This is a device, shaped somewhat like a tuning fork, that helps allign a computer's internal gyroscopes. DISK-DRIVE: This is a small capsule inside the CPU that emits ultrasound. The resultant harmomics within the hard-drive help create a tolerable atmosphere for the alphanumerics floating inside the memory. CPU: An acronym for "Compact Prioritized Undulator." The CPU, contrary to its name, is a large device. Although it assists the computer's higher functions, it is a relatively simple mechanism. They are often manufactured by Third-World countries out of car dashboards. MODEM: a modem is a gelatin-based protein derivitive that fuels the hard-drive. It can be purchased via Home Shopping Network and injected directly into the machine through its air vents. INTERNET: an AM radio station that computers tune into every Thursday morning at 9:00 AM, Eastern Time, to re-establish the harmonic flexibility of their CPUs. Humans can, of course, listen to the Internet as well, but all that can be heard is a shrill, whining noise. E-MAIL: a piece of mail that becomes saturated by modem fluid. The United States Postal Service, refusing to handle such contaminated packages, insists that they be exposed to electric current and left to their own devices. The presence of an ambient electrical field causes pieces of e-mail to levitate. They sometimes uplink with the Internet and drift north. For this reason, it is believed that the Internet broadcast tower is located somewhere in Canada or Greenland. DOWNLOAD: the act of deleting a large number of active files by exposing them to concentrated Internet rays. This process can only be carried out with official authorization, and presents severe hazards to household electrical systems. TELNET: large conceptual sculpture contructed in Europe and since incorporated into a traveling exhibit. The Telnet emits a low-frequency electromagnetic field that polarizes all CPUs in its vicinity, resulting in intense binary activity. GOPHERSPACE: disease-ridden software underworld in Toronto. SEARCH-ENGINE: a gasoline-powered hard drive that seperates numbers through the application of centrifugal force. These can be purchased through black-market dealers stationed in Gopherspace. Mac Tonnies Rate This Message: http://www.cryonet.org/cgi-bin/rate.cgi?msg=5005