X-Message-Number: 8388 Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 21:48:20 +0200 (MET DST) From: Eugene Leitl <> Subject: FY;): Judith the (frozen) COBOL programmer. (fwd) ---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 15:31:06 -0400 (EDT) From: To: , , , , Subject: HUMOR: Judith the (frozen) COBOL programmer. Judith, the COBOL Programer: Judith was a COBOL programmer in the late 1990s. After years of deplorable treatment as a technological dinosaur by UNIX programmers, Judith was finally getting some respect. She became a consultant specializing in year 2000 date-compliant conversions. She worked short-term assignments for prestigious companies and traveled all over the world. While she had to work 70, 80 and even 90 hours a week, it was worth it because she made a lot of money. Nevertheless, several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work took its toll on Judith. She couldn't sleep and began having nightmares about the year 2000. It reached a point where she became violently ill at the mere thought of the year 2000. She had to do something or suffer a nervous breakdown. All she could think about was avoiding the year 2000 and the turmoil coming with it. So, Judith contacted a company specializing in cryonics. She made a deal to have herself frozen until March 15, 2000. By that time all the year 2000 New Years Eve parties and computer debacles would be over. Cryonics seemed like the only solution. Judith was thrilled. There would be no year 2000 to worry about and then she could get on with her life. She was put into a cryonics receptacle. The technicians set the automatic re-animation date. Injections of drugs slowed her heartbeat, she was frozen and that was that. Time passed. Judith opened her eyes and was blinded by the bright white light. She was in the middle of an enormous outdoors auditorium. Excited people filled the bleachers surrounding her. They were all chanting "She's alive! She's alive!" There were cameras unlike she'd ever seen before and equipment looking like it came out of a science fiction movie. Judith couldn't contain her enthusiasm, "Is it over? Has the year 2000 come? Are the millennia parties and crisis over and done with?" A man who looked like the senior scientist stepped forward. "I'm so sorry," he said. "There was a problem with your cryonics re-animation timer. It's wasn't year-2000 compliant. You've been in suspension for almost 8000 years." "Oh no! This is not the year 2000?!" she shouted. "Please, calm down. There is someone here who wants to talk with you." Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of a man looking very much like Bill Gates. "I'm Bill, the Chief Executive Officer of Earth. There's no need to be upset. This is a wonderful time to be alive. There is world peace, everyone is rich and there is no need for governments or taxes. The space program is self-funding from asteroid farming and there are colonies orbiting the Moon, Mars and in several nearby star systems. Technology has advanced to such a degree that everyone can travel by virtual reality and can contact anyone on or off the planet. We participate in any entertainment whenever we want." Calming down Judith said, "That sounds terrific." She was relieved and excited to restart her new life. Still, being revived in an auditorium setting seemed wrong to her. "Bill . . . I'm curious, why are all these people so interested in me?" "Well," he said, ". . . the year 10,000 is just around the corner and it says in your file you know COBOL." Rate This Message: http://www.cryonet.org/cgi-bin/rate.cgi?msg=8388