X-Message-Number: 9880 Date: Wed, 10 Jun 1998 00:10:16 -0400 From: Josh Aaron Glasstetter <> Subject: GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE By Michael Shermer > GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE > > God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order > to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to > answer the following questions. > > Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely > confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address > unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. > > 1. How did you find out about God? > > __ Newspaper __ Other Book > __ Television __ Divine Inspiration > __ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience > __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery > __ Bible __ Other > __ Torah (specify): _____________ > > 2. Which model God did you acquire? > > __ Yoweh __ Father, Son & Holy GhostTriplet > __ Jehova __ Jesus > __ Alah __ Satan > __ God __ None of the above, I was taken > __ G_d in by a false god > > 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working > order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? > > __ Yes __ No > > If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered > here: > ____ > > 4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? > Please check all that apply. > > __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live > __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in who to > despise > __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself > __ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death > __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work > __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music > __ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and > told me to do it > > 5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god > were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. > > __ Odin __ Cthulhu > __ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar > __ Appolo __ Left Wing Liberalism > __ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D. > __ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin > __ The Sun __ Bill Clinton > __ The Moon __ A burning cabbage > __ The Bomb __ Other: ________________ > > 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in > addition to God? Please check all that apply. > > __ Tarot __ Lottery > __ Astrology __ Television > __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers > __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics > __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl > __ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll > __ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton > __ Tea Leaves __ EST > __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert > __ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice > __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert > __ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery > __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other: _____________________ > __ Barney Fife __ None > > 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve > the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you > prefer (circle one)? > > a. More Divine Intervention > b. Less Divine Intervention > c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right > d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention? > > 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and > miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the > following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent): > > a. Disasters > flood 1 2 3 4 5 > famine 1 2 3 4 5 > earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 > war 1 2 3 4 5 > pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 > plague 1 2 3 4 5 > SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 > AOL 1 2 3 4 5 > > b. Miracles > rescues 1 2 3 4 5 > spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 > stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 > crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 > water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 > walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5 > than the Hudson) > talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5 > VCRs that set their own 1 2 3 4 5 > clocks > Sadam Husein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 > Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5 > Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5 > > 9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving > the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if > necessary): > > ________________________________________________________________ <paraindent><param>out,out</param>********************************************************** ************ SUBVERT THE DOMINANT PARADIGM! ************ ********************************************************** ########################################################## ********************************************************** "Sacred cows make the tastiest hamburger." -Abbie Hoffman ********************************************************** ########################################################## ********************************************************** </paraindent>***** mail: ************** ***** http: People.Cornell.Edu/Pages/Jag36 ************ ********************************************************** Rate This Message: http://www.cryonet.org/cgi-bin/rate.cgi?msg=9880